The Dialogue of Sexuality Self Defense (SSD)

Sexual aggression and how to take back your power in unwanted sexual interactions

Sexuality is the ultimate expression of non-verbal behavior. As such— like stand alone cultures—it has specific but unspoken commonly accepted rules of procedure. It's all about the interplay between our impulses (driven in this case by our hormones) and the social constraints imposed by the larger culture. Why do teenagers engage in "sexting"? It's because it's an available "tool". Because they can--they have the power and ability to do so. Adolescence is when we all learn social constraints on our behavior, Or don't. (We quickly learn physical constraints—touch a hot stove and see what happens).

So any sexually aggressive behavior can be a violation of the unspoken but very real "social compact" about how non-verbal sexual communication is to be conducted. This is a clear-cut left brain-right brain dilemma. Sexuality cannot be contained on an individual basis. Collectively, maybe, through repressive government. But not individually. Does the death sentence for same-sex liaisons in countries that have such laws prevent individual interactions?

But now we have a possible pathway to structure (left brain) the unwritten rules of (nonverbal) sexuality so as to build a foundation for how to effectively respond to unwanted sexual advances.  

All of the above, taken together, makes it clear that any unwanted sexual aggression is a symptom of sexual immaturity. (Of course we are free to add all sorts of judgments to this but we now don't have to!) We either didn't learn or now choose to ignore the social constraints on sexual expression. Calling all of this sexual immaturity enables us to be non-judgmental. If we choose to! We are now free to instantly call out an aggressor on his/her lack of learning social constraints on non-verbal (sexual) behavior.

Such as:

" What? How were you able to get so far in life and yet not learn the rules of romance? Did you not learn that sexual attraction is expressed without words? Did you not learn social constraints on sexual behavior when you were a teenager?  Are you secure enough within yourself that you can admit to being wrong? It's never too late to learn. Want some help?"

Etc.

Sexual aggression always, always, represents arrested development. Think of every perpetrator as someone who either did not learn social constraints (usually as a teen) or now chooses to ignore them. Reframing every encounter with a violator as a case of arrested development immediately begins to help us take back our power. When we are able to make no judgments we become much more powerful in our daily interactions with others.

When we make no judgments, remain relentlessly positive, and ask questions rather than make statements, we are able to use communication alone to become more powerful in our daily individual interactions. These are three of the eleven Principles of THE LANGUAGE OF POWER©, initially created to help parents handle unruly and struggling teenagers and public school educators address disruptive students. For help with teenage issues as a parent or an educator go to gotteenagers.com or our U Tube video at gotteenagers.com.

The Theory

Sexuality Is a Biological  Force

That we're all stuck with

For better or for worse

And almost always both

Depending on context

Sexuality Is Always, Always About Power

"All's fair in love and war" Remember when you

began to discover this mysterious force as a

pre-teenager? Are we not (until we age out) all driven

by our hormones? Constantly?

Sexuality Is Power And Is A Law Unto Itself

Ever caught someone's eye from across the room

in a crowded environment and established instant

communication without having to speak a word?     

Sexuality Is Our Most Difficult Life Challenge

Especially if you happen to believe that life itself is a

series of challenges we all try to master before we pass from

the scene. How many very important people have crashed and burned because of sex?

Sexuality Is Completely Right Brained

Witnesses our unending attempts to structure, describe in words, manage, and control this mysterious force.

Sexuality Has A Huge Influence On Culture

From soup to nuts. From genital mutilation to castration. And everything in between. Do we ever use sexuality in commerce? As in trying to sell a product? Is sexual "accomplishment" ever seen as an achievement? As accrued power?

Sexuality Is A Right Brain Expression Of The Power

Of Non-Verbal Behavior

Which is why, when we can authentically begin from that framework, we can always take back our power from a violator

(of the unwritten, unspoken but very real rules of romance). Unless we are in Business Bondage. (Might lose our job due to sexual tyranny) But we can learn to at least escape imminent intrusion. And maybe combine that with sweet talk (and no judgement) that could lead the boss to back off or give up.

You've got questions, we've got answers.

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Addressing the Sexual Harassment Dilemma At Work

“I've seen leaders of companies go in front of their employees and say 'Listen we're here to work, not to cater to your sexual needs. If I hear you're doing that you're out of here.' It's pretty strong, but harassment doesn't happen in those places. And then there are the other companies that have their so called sexual harassment trainings, and they're sitting there, going nudge-nudge, wink-wink, making funny comments about the trainers. That's all HR wants us to do today…then at the next Christmas party, someone is sexually assaulted.”

Catherine Mac Kinnan

New York Times

18 March, 1997

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Theory and Dialogue