MY NEIGHBOR'S TEENAGER HOLDS WEEKEND DRINKING

PARTIES PRACTICALLY IN MY BACK YARD. HER MOM HAS GIVEN UP.

POLICE DON'T RESPOND. WHAT CAN I DO?

THE PROBLEM*

WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT MY NEIGHBOR"S TEENAGER?

Our neighborhood of single family homes all have garages on an alleyway shared by other homes. This teen has been using their garage as a social hangout for some time. Her friends park their cars in the alley (forbidden by posted signs). On weekends our trash bin is filled with empty beer cans. The teen's mother was receptive and friendly when approached but basically suggested we talk to her daughter ourselves because she herself  has been "ineffective".

The police have taken reports but the behavior continues. What can I do?

* Adapted from an article in the New York Times Magazine 8-2-15                    

THE PARTY IS OVER

How to address disruptive

teenage neighborhood drinking parties

The very first program to keep errant teenagers at home and out of further trouble ( thus avoiding costly institutionalization) arose right here in Bucks County and ultimately became a national model. It's still going strong.

Now Bucks may be on the cusp of another national first. It's a training initiative that can enable a suburban housewife to actually infiltrate a neighborhood teenage hangout and inside of five minutes have the teens eating out of her hand.

The first question we must ask ourselves in addressing this typical teenage problem is:

Would I rather be right or Would I rather be effective?

Unfortunately, there are times when we adults cannot have it both ways.  This may or may not be one of those times.  So here are two ways to go.

I  Decide to be right and hope you can also be effective.

II  Practice being effective and let others worry about whether you are being right.

I   Decide To Be Right and Hope You Can Also Be Effective

This mother has already thrown in the towel and in effect asked you for help.(" suggested we talk to her daughter ourselves".) So by all means seek to approach the teen. Attempt to practice and use the skills we discuss in Dissection of the Dialogue. And good luck!

Gather other equally concerned ( hopefully) neighbors together and go as a group to the mother and discuss how to proceed ( offer assistance).

Next ( if no resolution).List all the safety and law enforcement issues: underage drinking (perhaps illegal substance abuse),driving while impaired, cars parked illegally. Go with the list and the neighborhood group directly to the police-or the city ( township, precinct, council) at their next meeting and demand action.  Enlist the local media. Hope that you can keep the pressure going until the teen gets her act together/runs away/finally grows into adulthood(we all do sooner or later).

Have the mother arrange for the neighborhood group to meet directly with the teen herself. Sometimes intimidation still works, even in today's world. Or maybe the gang will decide to move to a new, less threatening location.

Research other areas to apply intimidation ( we adults have been known to do this too). Canvass the neighbors. Anybody have a friend/relative on the police force? Or kin to a ranking elected official? A school district administrator? School Board member? It takes a Village after all and the squeaky wheel always gets the grease first...

                         OR.....

II   Practice Being Effective and Let Others Worry About Whether You Are Being Right.

Join the Friday night/Saturday night party. You were a teen yourself not so long ago. Relax, abandon (temporarily) your adult assumptions about teens and go with the flow of conversation. Thank the kids for being sensitive to the environment and putting all ( or most) of their empty cans in the trash instead of littering. Don't feel compelled to initiate conversation. Ask questions (without any implied answers or judgments).

Test their legal knowledge. "Are adults supposed to notify law enforcement if they find themselves in the presence of persistent and continuing lawbreaking? You seem to be a bunch of nice kids—what should I do?"

Talk to them in their own language. You once spoke it. "Do you guys go to school much? Is there anything you like about it?"

Compliment them on their ability to ( so far) navigate their world. "You all have been doing this street party stuff down here for quite awhile. But you're still on the street. None of you are locked up? How have you managed to do this?"

Be persistent. Show up every weekend. Be patient. Give them a little time to change course in some way. Let them save face ( of course us adults never need to do this). Encourage other neighbors to join the club.

Look for openings to, either individually or with the entire group, act more like they expect adults to act. But wait until the climate ( context,etc) of the interaction gives you "permission".Etc.

Teenagers are not adults. As science now tells us, the teenage brain is not yet an adult brain. And so teens can't possibly think like us adults. Effectiveness with teens means engaging them based on how they think, not on how we adults think.

This is a teachable skill—and a " learnable" skill too. But it's not an easy walk. At least at the beginning. You have to be willing to park your ego at the door. If you're interested in going further, check out the interview with a mother trained in our system at our .com site.

NEXT: A Sample Dialogue...

Its 10:30 PM on a Saturday night. The neighborhood teenage gathering is well underway.

A figure emerges out of the darkness and approaches the group. It is a neighborhood mother.

The mother stands at the edge of the gathering. She says nothing.

The teenagers stare. Finally, one of them speaks.

"Can we help you with something?"

"Yeah. I am trying to find my favorite star in the sky. Can you all help?”

The teens are speechless.

" Favorite star"?

An adult joining them?

Finally and politely ( the group has been totally silent since the mom showed up)

"I don't think we quite understand"

"Well, did you guys ever go to school?"

(The teens are now in total disbelief)

"Of course"

  "Oh, so they taught you about letters in the alphabet and such"?

( Other teens now begin to get into the dialogue)

"Of course they did".

(The mother now has the full attention of the group. The teens are on the verge of talking to this strange adult as one of their own but don't quite dare).

"So I guess maybe all of you know how to read?"

"DUH"

"OK-Could you read me that sign over there?"

( the mother points to a big NO PARKING sign next to a parked car)

( the teens are quiet as they start to catch the drift).

( Finally)

"It says NO PARKING"

“That's what I thought it said, too"

( Mother is silent; group is silent)

  ( Finally)

"What do you want with us?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes"

"All of you?"

"Yes"

"OK. If I go there do you promise that none of you will run away until I get done?"

"Sure, we promise"

“OK.  It seems that some of the adults who live around here have forgotten some stuff about their past. Are you guys all teenagers?"

"YUP"

"Did you ever take any science in school? Do you know anything about the teenage brain?"

( the answers to this might be mixed)

( the mother continues)

"So the teenage brain is not yet an adult brain. So each of you has a hole in your brain. So to speak. Sometimes we adults forget that. So teens can and sometimes do crazy, unpredictable stuff. Like maybe parking their cars right beside signs that say NO PARKING! Like I know that all of you are drinking MONSTER but I'd bet maybe one or two of you might be drinking something that's against the law for teenagers to drink.

"We all are".

" Good heavens, that's the teenage brain for you .Now that you know that its your teenage brain causing all the trouble, and not necessarily you, would you be willing to let me help you work on some sort of solution?”

The group is now fully engaged and committed to working with this adult who seems able to speak their language and who has actually begun to penetrate their " culture". At a minimum, these kids will surely take their party somewhere else ( or mom could keep coming back). It's also possible that because teens so rarely are able to develop trust with adults, and certainly not so quickly, that other individual problems and issues may emerge...

Keep going for:

DISSECTION OF THE DIALOGUE

"A figure emerges out of the darkness and approaches the group...The mother stands at the edge of the gathering"

By approaching the teenagers as if she were part of them, the mother instantly begins to shift the balance of power from the group to herself. Teens have no idea what to make of an adult who behaves in such a fashion. In engaging teenagers, how we do what we do is just as, or even more important, than what we say. It's all about communication.

"She says nothing"

Principle #1 of our parent empowerment initiative, the LANGUAGE OF POWER © (LOP), is FORCE TEENS TO MAKE CHOICES. Teens have no frame of reference from which to decide what to do here. Their whole experience has been not only that adults avoid them, especially when they're in a pack, but also engage them only to lecture, admonish, issue ultimatums, etc. Here is an adult just standing there as if it were the most natural thing in the world for her to be there. Power in this interaction continues to shift to mom...

"Finally, one of them speaks"

Teens cannot handle silence. Especially in a group situation like this. Professional therapists who know how to handle adolescents call this " therapeutic silence" or benign neglect. Once, in a session with a most sophisticated and resistant teen delinquent, we took a large alarm clock and told the teen we were paid to see her at least twice a week but not paid to say anything. It took 55 minutes for the teen to break and we ultimately went on to help her grow into a responsible young adult. And so mom is not only following Principle #1 but also THE FIRST  RULE IN THE BOOK: GET THEIR ATTENTION. The teens all now know that this is going to be an utterly different situation than they first thought.

" Can we help you with something?"

By forcing the teens to speak first, mom is now completely in charge. She has their full attention. Her task now is to stay in the saddle ( or the communicational pathway: FROM THE OUTHOUSE TO THE PENTHOUSE is our training manual for teaching others how to speak the LANGUAGE OF POWER © with teens especially in group situations.)

" I'm trying to find my favorite star..."

This is of course gibberish although, if there are no clouds in the sky, it's remotely possible that it makes some sense. ( But then the issue becomes why on earth would a competent adult ask a bunch of teens such a question?)

Why on earth would we want to talk gibberish to a teen or to teens in a group? THE BIGGEST MISTAKE  parents and other adults make over and over again in dealing with teenagers is that we forget TEENAGERS ARE NOT ADULTS ( from LOP)! They're teenagers! They don't yet have an adult brain! They can't possibly think like us adults! How many times have you engaged a teen with impeccable logic, reasoning, and convincing evidence only to be totally ineffective in getting where you wanted to go with her? And so the reason for talking gibberish is first to GET THEIR ATTENTION and second to keep the balance of power between you and them in your corner.

Think about it.

The teens in this situation are confronted with an impossible dilemma. They instantly will sense that the statement might be gibberish but they can't (yet) be quite sure. An adult speaks gibberish to them in a perfectly normal tone of voice as if for all the world it's a perfectly reasonable question! The teens are forced to choose between responding to the content (" I'm trying to find my favorite star in the sky") or the intent—which is gibberish as they will quickly realize. Because of their uncertainty, virtually all teens will respond to the content as if it is in fact a serious question. The mother now has established total control and the teens are floundering. All of this comes from learning to follow PRINCIPLE #6 BE NON RESPONSIVE TO NONSENSE, PRINCIPLE #3 MAKE NO JUDGEMENTS, and PRINCIPLE #5 BE RELENTLESSLY POSITIVE.  

"I don't think we quite understand"

What else could the teens have possibly said?

"Well, did you guys ever go to school?"

The mother now begins to head directly to her ultimate objective by asking an obvious-answer question

"Of course"

The teens begin to realize that they have no choice but to continue down the communicational pathway mom is building.

But by now they are fascinated, intrigued and wondering where this is going to go. Mom is using power indirectly with these teens. They know that mom is now totally in charge and that she has a  (communicational) destination. Whenever we as the adults are able to use indirect power with teens they will so react. This is because all teenagers struggle daily to learn social constraints on their behavior (which is why the teen years are so turbulent) and the "tools" they use in their learning are what we call power and freedom.

Think about it. None of us really and truly understand how power works until we push it to the limit in order to find out where the limits are, or if there are any. Virtually all teens have experienced only direct power in their young lives based either on physicality ( " sit down and shut up or I'll beat you up", etc) or hierarchy

( "I'm the parent, Sheriff, teacher, Principal, Sergeant, etc, so you'll do as I say"). When they finally run into indirect power they know it's real power but don't have a clue how to handle it. Because teens do not yet have an adult brain, they are resistant to the power-expressive life issues ( hierarchies) of money, gender, race and age. But they experiment with all of them as they are learning how power  "works". Sexuality and appearance ( physical attractiveness,clothes,etc)  are usually their first battleground. Which is perhaps why we have teenage bullying...

" Oh, so they taught you about letters in the alphabet and such?"

" So I guess maybe all of you know how to read?"

    Mom has now set them up with a couple of long, slow curve balls ( baseball analogy—sorry).

"OK-Could you read me that sign over there?"

And now she wipes them out with a fastball on the outside corner  (so to speak).

"...Do you promise that none of you will run away until I get done?"

   Mom now even has them agreeing to participate in their own denouement!

And the rest is pretty much downhill. Notice that everything mom said was in the form of a question. This is PRINCIPLE #4 ASK QUESTIONS, DON'T MAKE STATEMENTS. And everything she did or didn't  do was driven by PRINCIPLE #7 GIVE UP THE NEED TO BE RIGHT and PRINCIPLE #8 MAKE YOURSELF THE PROBLEM ( " I'm trying to find my favorite star in the sky. Can you all help?")

And the ultimate objective with difficult teens always is PRINCIPLE #10 PAINT THEM INTO A CORNER.

Its all about how we communicate. If you're interested in going further check out the transcript of an interview with a mother trained in THE LANGUAGE OF POWER© at our gotteenagers.com site.

NEXT: STEP—BY—STEP

( decision by decision)

STEP-BY-STEP

1) Mom joins the teen group.

In order to make this decision, mom had to give up all her preconceptions about teenagers and take a risk. On the other hand, if you know and trust the science that tells us teens are not adults and hence cannot possibly think like adults, you as the adult know you will be able to handle however the teens may react. These are suburban teens, driven by a completely understandable teen culture. An inner city situation would call for a different approach.

This is PRINCIPLE #2 THE STRUCTURE COMES OUT OF THE INTERACTION.

2) Mom  says nothing.

This decision is again based on knowing how teens think and act. And understanding how power works.

3)Finally, the teens respond. (" Can we help you with something?")

By forcing the teens to initiate the conversation, mom demonstrates that she is a master at using power indirectly, which is implicit in the LOP approach and eminently " learnable".

4) The teens' choice to ask an appropriate question ( what do you want with us?") opens the door for mom to begin the process of following FROM THE OUTHOUSE TO THE PENTHOUSE©. Mom wants the teens and their partying out of her neighborhood. This is represented as the PENTHOUSE. In order to get there she needs to construct a communicational pathway through each specific decision she makes which of course began with #1. She has to start at the very beginning, which is the OUTHOUSE. If we look at everything mom says and does as a pathway, we are able to discern—through trial and error practice—when we have, through our communication,veereed off the pathway into the ditch ( so to speak). We now have a metaphor for learning from our mistakes. Learning to follow the LOP takes practice, practice, practice because it doesn't come naturally. (If it did, raising teenagers would be a breeze).She knows she now has the teens' attention but she needs to consolidate and build her power over them. Which could disappear rather quickly unless she stays on point. So she turns to gibberish—or almost gibberish (it's possible that mom is an astrology/astronomy expert and would be knowledgeable about stars). As stated in DISSECTION, she is able to force the teens to decide what to respond to—the content or the intent ( of her communication). If the teens choose not to respond ( very unlikely), mom can go back to her silence. How long would a group of teens tolerate an adult in their midst who acts like it's the most natural thing in the world for her to be there?

5) As she thought they might, the teens respond to her content and not her intent. ( "I don't think we quite understand").

Now mom is able to interpret their answer as a lack of knowledge or awareness. This opens the door for Mom to leave the OUTHOUSE ( so to speak) and start directly down the path to her objective, the PENTHOUSE. She asks an obvious- answer question pertaining to knowledge ,experience, awareness, etc ( " did you guys ever go to school?"). She refuses to be governed by conventional thinking  (which is of course absolutely right) that dictates you don't ask obvious-answer questions. In building a communicational pathway with teens, we at times can't talk to them as if they are adults (because they are not) if we hope to be effective.

6) By getting her obvious-answer answer,  mom begins to force the teens to accompany her down the communicational pathway towards the PENTHOUSE.

This is how indirect power works.

7) Mom continues on the pathway slowly, by mentioning learning about the alphabet  ( "Oh, so they taught you about the alphabet and such?")which we all have to do before we can learn to read.

8) By establishing that the kids can indeed read, mom is now free to—in effect—give the teens a glimpse of her destination—the PENTHOUSE—by asking them to read the sign. Because teens are always baffled by indirect power, they follow along.

9) Mom now shuts up.

This is a crucial step along the pathway. She doesn't go into an adult lecture or warning or admonition. ( although of course she would be absolutely right if she did). She once again forces a response from the teens.

10) And, sure enough, the bamboozled kids finally ask for an adult-to-young adult answer ("What do you  want with us?"). The group has asked her to show them the PENTHOUSE!

11) Now mom in effect can choose from many pathways. The closer we get to the PENTHOUSE, the more roads ( pathways) we find that all go in the same direction.

12) Following the PRINCIPLES of MAKE NO JUDGEMENTS ( #3) and BE RELENTLESSLY POSITIVE (#5),mom now inquires about their study of science and explains the teenage brain situation.

13) Telling the teens that the teenage brain has a hole in it is definitely not right. But it is a crucial step towards the PENTHOUSE because it is absolutely based on how teens think. And most importantly, it opens the door to discussing directly what the teens are doing ( drinking beer,etc) without judgement and allows mom to remain positive. ( We use this metaphor all the time in our PEER INTEGRATION THERAPY© ( PIT) groups.)

Is telling teens they have a hole in their brains accurate? Of course not. It is the height of absurdity. But can teens use it as a metaphor to explain to themselves why they keep getting into hot water with adults? Absolutely. This is how they think.

Might teens use this analogy to make excuses? Of course. They're teenagers. This is what teenagers do as they struggle to learn how life works ( social constraints). But look how LOP can handle such a scenario:

Teen:  "It's not my fault. You can't blame me. I got a hole in my brain. You said so yourself"

Adult: " Who said anything about blaming? ( PRINCIPLE #5)"

Teen: " But.but,I thought..."

Adult:  Everyone knows all teenagers are crazy. ( glibbersh,again). By definition. So sometimes us adults have to follow along behind you all and clean up your messes. But blame? How can we blame people who are not playing with a full deck?"

And so by using the metaphor of a -hole in-the-brain and pointing out that many adults ( like those in this neighborhood) tend to forget their adolescent years ( when they themselves had a-hole-in-the-brain) and so may be demanding action, mom is able to get the teens to participate with her in seeking solutions to this neighborhood problem. It's all about how we communicate...

14)If there is one thing that turns teens off it is the judgement thing. Of course there are innumerable times when we must make judgements about them. Why? Because they don't yet have an adult brain and so do what teenagers often do as they struggle to learn social constraints on their behavior. But mom has already made a judgement! Every teen in the group knows that mom has raised the issue of parking cars in places where it is against the law! But because she has done it indirectly, they have no way to avoid the issue ( PRINCIPLE #10 PAINT THEM INTO A CORNER) unless they run away which they later promise not to do! This is how adults trained in LOP can pretty much manage and control teens regardless of the situation or circumstance.

15) None of us like to be criticized. And teenagers are people too, despite all the uproars they can generate. But it is almighty hard not to judge them, especially when so many of us in today's world constantly flirt with overload.  

The LOP, when we can find the patience and persistence to master it, virtually eliminates teen issues as a contribution to that overload. And because it involves basic communicational theory it just may empower us to better handle other significant life challenges.

16) When we are able to constantly use indirect power with teens, as in a school classroom, we clearly become able to penetrate the teen peer culture itself and thus begin to turn it from an absolute negative into an absolute positive. This is the ultimate answer to making congregate care for juveniles ( group homes, residential facilities, etc) a positive rather than a negative experience. The peer group itself can become an ally rather than an obstacle.

     One of our former students, now certified in both LOP and PIT, is the Emotional Support Classroom teacher at a suburban middle school. Since most all such public schools track the total number of incidents when it becomes necessary to "send a student to the Office" ( from the Emotional Support class), it is generally known that the average number of such incidents during a typical school year is about 100. Last year this educator had only 3.

When we can learn to use indirect power with adolescents, it becomes a whole new ball game...

Constructive Comments and Suggestions?

Go to ManifestDestinyPLS@gmail.com

I believe for every drop of rain that falls

A flower grows

I believe that somewhere in the darkest night

A candle glows

I believe for everyone that goes astray

Someone will come

To show the way

I believe, I believe

I believe above the storm the smallest prayer

Can still be heard

I believe that someone in the great somewhere

Hears every word

Every time I hear a newborn baby cry

Or touch a leaf or see the sky

Then I know why I believe

                                        Erwin Drake – Irvin Graham

                                        Jimmy Shirl – Al Stillman

BACK TO LANDING PAGE

DOWNLOAD THIS ARTICLE TO YOUR COMPUTER (Right click your mouse and choose option)