An Interview with Rob Kall and Carol H on The Language of Power©

Rob: This is Rob Kall talking to Carol, a parent who has been through training in The Language of Power.  Welcome!  Thanks for being here Carol.

Carol: Thank you!

Rob: Now you've had the experience of learning some of the techniques and strategies that The Language of Power program teaches.  What was your overall attitude or experience with it?  How was it?

Carol: Well it, I found it to be very positive.  I came from a situation where my teenage son and I were constantly butting heads and at odds and I found that neither one of us were very successful in finding a happy home life.  So I was really looking for support and some input from other parents as well as a better way to communicate with him.  And what I found was this method that certainly took a more positive approach and it sort of just diffused the anger and focused on really trying to communicate and not on the emotions.

Rob: What kind of time frame was involved in learning how to use The Language of Power approach?

Carol: I'm still learning.  So it's something you have to practice all the time because it's not, it doesn't come naturally.  People's gut reaction when they're being attacked and I think that a lot of the time when people get into that argumentative situation, especially with their teenager, that you're under attack sometimes and it's a verbal attack and your natural instinct is to attack back or defend yourself and so you have to really take a step back and remember the things that you've learned and sometimes I'm good at it and sometimes I'm not.  I have to keep my notes with me so that I can go over it and think, “How could I have done that better?”  So you're always having to learn it and keep going with it so that you can reinforce yourself all the time.

Rob: I guess my question is, when, how long did it take to start seeing results?

Carol: Well, it was small steps at first.  I think that it's difficult to know or measure, only because when you're dealing with teenagers, your dealing with kids who are also growing and maturing.  So, how much do you attribute to them simply growing up a little bit.  I do know that I communicate better with my son and he, I think, listens better to me and I'm hoping that it's not just him growing up and that it's the result of our better communication, but I do feel better about our communication.  And I think the results came, well, I'm not going to say instantly, but I think he sat up and took notice pretty instantly, when he noticed that I wasn't communicating the same way.

Rob: That's great!  So, is this something that is more for you or for him?

Carol: Uh, it's for both of us.  It's for both of us.  It certainly helped me out in the beginning, right away, because, I also, because I'm a single parent, and I really needed some support from other parents, because I really didn't have anything to bounce my frustration off of another person, like what do you do when you're in this situation or how else can I handle this better.  I really was looking for that kind of feedback.  Not only did I get that, but I also got a really good method to switch tracks and approach it from a totally different angle.

Rob: Can you give some examples of maybe some of the situations that you encountered where you found this helpful?

Carol: Well, with my son, if I sound like I'm going to be out of breath, I want to go upstairs and get something that I wrote down, but with my son, he and I would constantly butt heads about, like, what time he should be in at the end of the day.  For instance, on a school night, or what kind of privileges he should have or what, mostly, if I asked him to do something that he didn't do what kind of punishment could I put in place?  I mean, I'm his mom, he towers over me, he's bigger than I am and I think the whole thing when your little you still have that fear factor.  Well, we don't have the fear factor anymore when you're 17.  So, I had to come up with a different way to approach him and let him know that I'm still in charge and that I still have the ability to punish him if he didn't do what he was supposed to do, and, so if he didn't come home on time, or if he didn't get his homework done, or didn't keep his room straightened up, that I had some recourse, like taking away his cell phone, or not letting him go out, up town to hang out with his friends one night, or, but enforcing that became difficult because he would challenge me.

Rob: The Language of Power to renegotiate the way you handled that so you could be more effective.

Carol: Right, and instead of me just saying, well now you just can't go up town, you're grounded, he would almost laugh at me, like yeah right, I'm just walking up town.  What I was able to learn was, to sort of point out to him, what kind of, to redirect his question, like, well, why can't I go up town, I don't, you're not the boss of me, and I'm like well you want to be treated as an adult, what kind of , what kind of an adult person or a mature 16 year old person would not do their homework when that's their 1st priority, that's their primary responsibility and would blow that off in lieu of going to town and why would I not then react to that.  I have to stick it out there in a logical way to him and say, “So as your mom, it's my responsibility to lay down the law.”  But you have to, I'm still looking for the thing I wrote down, because you have to, you can't just, you can't just, you can't just force your will, by forcing your will.  You don't get anywhere.  You have to….

Rob: And so, how have the power strategies that you learned helped you to find ways to communicate that were effective in…..

Carol:  Much more effective.

Rob: Can you give me another example of an actual situation that you encountered with your son where the techniques and tools were useful to you.

Carol: I'm trying to think of one that is more specific.  Kevin's notorious for not getting up on time to go to school.  He'll constantly wait for me to be a human alarm clock.

Rob: By the way, by the way, the reason, part of the reason I'm doing this is my son was also somebody who worked with this program, and I learned something about it and he was in the school that the trainer runs, who ran.  So I have personal experience myself and then getting teenagers to wake up early in the morning, it's right up there with one of those challenges.

Carol: Oh yeah!  Absolutely!  So pretty much what it came down to was, instead of me standing there, insisting, insisting, insisting, and saying you have to go to school, you have to go to school, I'm like yeah, he's not willing to not go to school, that's not a problem for him.  If he doesn't get up and go to school and he gets to stay home all day, that's kind of like giving him a reward.  You know, if I kind of give up and try not to push him to go to school, so I really didn't know how to address that.  You know, so, it finally came down to where, ok, I had to come up with a way that says, “you know what, if you make the decision not to go to school, not to get up and go to school, then you know, how would I be, what kind of parent would I be if I allowed my child to drop out of school.  You know, it's my responsibility to see that you're getting your education, therefore, you know what, that means that you're going to have to stay in now and do the homework you missed and you won't be able to see your friends tonight.”  So there's just no way that's going to happen and there's no way that your going to be able to use the car when you want to go out this weekend because I wouldn't be the right kind of mom if I let you do that and also just let you skip school all the time.  The you have to kind of walk away and not let the argument ensue because if you let the argument ensue then you just get dragged into it.  He doesn't like it, he doesn't like hearing it.

Rob:  Is this a different way of handling things than you were used to or accustomed to?

Carol:  Yeah, I used to get dragged in.  I used to get dragged in because he would start, “but mom”, you know, it would start.  He would just pull me in and I could find myself defending myself, but no more.  I would simply point out the logic in my reasoning and then I would walk away.  You have to do that because and when I put it back on him that way, again, and he wasn't allowed to drag me into the drama, and then I was much more successful in getting my point across.  And it was hard though.  It was really hard for me to stop getting dragged in to where I was constantly defending it.  And he would try very hard to wear me down, and wear me down, and wear me down, and wear me down, so the I would finally give in.  He still tries doing it on certain things and I can't say that I'm 100% successful even now but like I said, I find myself having to reinforce myself all the time.  And I really wish that I could kind of get a refresher course now and then from the trainer because I miss that but, I still try to remember the things that I did learn and go back to basic points and use them over and over and over again, so that I can get somewhere.  I don't have much longer with him.  He is going to be 18 soon and he's going to be moving out but I'm hoping that in the time we have left, where he's still under my roof, there will be less chaos, less arguing, less yelling, as a result of us communicating better because I'm doing it differently and I'm not allowing him to engage me in that kind of communication anymore.

Rob: What was the main reason that you went to seek this kind of help in the first place?  Was there any problems? What were the, what was the current situation?

Carol: Yeah, well, my son is under the supervision, or is being treated by a psychiatrist because as a young adolescent, he had some issues with depression.  Still does.  He's on medication and some of the problems that I think initially started because we needed to get to the right medication for him and once we did, that also helped, but it certainly wasn't the be all solution because that certainly helped him feel better about himself but it didn't stop the defiance.  Because you know, as a teenager, he would, and being an only child, and he is spoiled, I admit it, but it didn't stop him trying to push his way or his will on me.  So I really felt like I was at my wits end with the arguing all the time, constant arguing all the time.  It seemed to be the only way we would communicate.  I couldn't take it anymore.  It was just wearing me out.  And I saw the ad in the newspaper about better communication with your teenager and I snapped at it, because I just needed, I needed a better way.

Rob: So you got started with the training and how did you see the first signs that it was working?

Carol: Well, I think when my son started to try to reapproach me more calmly to plead his case.  You know, he saw that the yelling and the screaming, and the just forcing the issue wasn't getting anywhere anymore.  So he thought hmmmm…… she's not buying it anymore, now what do I do.  So I knew all of a sudden he was noticing.  So that he, he was trying to find a different way to get to me so that he could have what he wanted.  Whether it be staying out later or doing an activity that I didn't want him to do, whatever, you know what I mean.  “Inaudible”.  He would find another way.  Or, “can I have the car again tonight?”, or and that kind of stuff and so he would instead of just being his usual bulldozer self, to get his way, he finally realized that wasn't working.  So that's when I finally realized, it dawned on me, like, huh, obviously he's changing his behavior.  I must be having an effect.

Rob: How has that affected the quality of your relationship with him?

Carol: Well, certainly the quality of our relationship is much, much better.  It truly is, but again it's one of those things that I'm also hoping he's growing up.  How much do I attribute to it, it's hard to say, but whatever the reason, I'm just glad that it's not the same as it was.

Rob: Well, how is it different?  How has the quality of the relationship changed?

Carol: Well, we don't communicate solely through arguments anymore.  It's not so adversarial as it used to be.  I can actually ask him how was you your day at school, where it used to be, I was not able to ask him that.  In fact, tonight when we were in the car, I was taking him up to band practice and I said, “So, how was your day?”  I've also found that there are certain key words with my son that I just don't use, like, if you say how was school, he goes ballistic because he hates school and he doesn't want to talk about school.  But if I say, how was your day, totally different thing.  It's learning how to communicate.  If I'm not specifically asking about something he doesn't enjoy, then he's much more open to talking to me.  So, it's listening to him and what he is trying to tell me.  This was something that I needed to learn how to do, was really key in on what he was trying to tell me and in the ways in which he was telling me, which were difficult for me to decipher.  But I had to finally really listen to what he was trying to say, and what he was trying to say is, don't ask me about school, I hate school.  I don't want to talk about school, but if I say to him, how was your day, he'll talk about school, because that's what he did.  He didn't do anything else.

Rob: It's learning how to understand the language that is effective in reaching and influencing your child.

Carol: Exactly.  You have to really pay attention.  You have to really pay attention to their cues and then you have to just remember to redirect yourself, your language, all the time, and if I continue to do that and if I continue to work that system, if you will, the points and the principles, and there are specific language principles and if I continues to utilize these, and listen and redirect and ask the questions and I just don't make blanket statements, like, well you're grounded or whatever, those are the things that just shut them down and turn everything into an argument.  And there are the things that I learned.  It doesn't come naturally.  You have to teach yourself.  But that's what the whole training was about.

Rob: Was it hard to do or was it something that just gradually developed into a habit?

Carol: That's exactly it.  You have to develop it as a habit.  It's not something that I think comes naturally to people because I think most of us grow up in environments where people don't communicate really well.  Especially kids and parents because kids are, you know, they want to get their way, so they are going to come at you guns blazing most of the time to get what they want, so it's not a natural way of communicating, but it's not so unnatural that you can't do it.  You just have to remember it and train yourself and turn it into the habits that are the correct way of doing it.  Now like I said, I'm always teaching myself.  I'm always having to go back and pull that card out and read it again and remember and say ok, sometimes when something doesn't turn out well, I'll go back and say, ok, well how could I have done that one better, so that the next time I don't get caught in that again.  So I'm not perfect at it, but I think I'm much better at it, certainly than the first day I was there and I'm remembering to at least go back and try again.  Because it works when I do it right.  I works really well.

Carol: I was just going to say, I just find that my son and I do not spend the majority of our time arguing anymore, which we used to all the time.  It was the only way we communicated.  My sister used to make a joke, she used to say, the two of you, all you do is fight, fight, fight, and then the minute he would leave, you would get real close to the door and you'd say, Honey, have a good day, I love you”, and that would be the only pleasant thing she would hear.  The rest of it would just be arguing, “Get out of bed, you're late, hurry up, get out of the shower”, and he would be, “mom, I don't want to go to school, I hate school.”  It would just be an argument back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and it was the same thing, day in and day out.  And now it's not like that.  So that's huge! That's huge!

Rob: Is he a happier child because of it?

Carol: I believe he is.  He is still one of those kids that you can't really ask him because he can't think that mom is right, but, yes overall, is he a happier kid?  Yes, he is a happier kid.  And his grades are great, he was on honor roll all last year and he is doing well in school this year.  I mean, he's got so many positives in his life now and it was such a struggle for him.  He had ended up at an alternative school that did not do well for him and I was very disappointed and he was really almost to the point where he was going to drop out and I was fighting to keep that from happening.  And now we're in such a much better place and he's going to graduate this year and hopefully, go on to school, college, after either community college or training school for computers, or whatever, because that's what he's studying at technical school right now.  So he's in a much, much better place right now and yeah, he's definitely a happier kid.  There were a lot of reasons but I think this was a big contributor.

Rob: What would you say to other parents considering investing the time and money in The Language of Power program and the support program?

Carol: I would tell them to definitely stick with it and continue practicing it and keep the principles handy and continue to practice it all the time.  And if it doesn't work the first time, don't give up.

Rob: What I'm saying is, if somebody's considering getting started with it, what would you tell the parent of the troubled kid, or who has a troubled teen, or a kid who's going through tough times, what would you tell that parent in terms of this program?

Carol: Well, what I would tell them is, it certainly opened the door for me and it can certainly open the door for them.  Because I had, I had, I was at my wits end.  I didn't know what else to do.  I really didn't.  I had a son who was on medication, seeing a doctor, he was in a terrible place and I needed help and I got help with these people.  And I got training and I felt empowered and felt like I finally had other parents there that were in the same boat that I was, that were helping me and I was helping them.  I got some really solid information and tools to use to go back to my home and communicate better with my teenager, so that I could take back being the mom, and not just being the victim.  And that's how I felt, I felt like I was a victim and I wanted to be the mom because that's what my son needs.  He needs a mom, and I needed to be the person that was in charge, and I needed to be the person guiding him and not somebody that he could take advantage of and get his way all the time, because that's not what he needed.  He needs somebody to guide him.  He isn't and adult yet. He's not there yet.  I needed help and these people helped me.

Rob: That's great!  Thank you so much and keep on going.

Carol: Yeah, and like I said, I have my card and I look at it and I keep using it and all the principles on it.  I keep trying to use it all the time.  And when they don't work, and I don't do it right, I go back and go what could I have done better?  Because it doesn't come naturally to me but I'm getting better all the time at it.  You just got to keep practicing it.  That's all.  So, Good Luck!

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